Likewise, a crucial misunderstanding when it comes to female sexuality—and a major source of sexual frustration in couples—is the idea that sexual desire just pops up for everyone in the same way. When it doesn’t happen this way in a relationship, there’s usually a lot of confusion and blame.
There are actually two basic types of sexual desire: spontaneous and responsive. We’re very familiar with the spontaneous type. You know, those who walk down the street on an average day regularly struck with a desire for sex. They seem to be up for sex most anytime. Sexuality researcher Emily Nagoski, Ph.D., tells us that about 75% of men are members of this group but only about 15% of women.
Because women often aren’t exposed to what is more typical of female sexual desire, they often end up saying, “What’s wrong with me?” or falsely concluding, “I’m just not a sexual person.”
Many women have what’s known as responsive sexual desire. For people with this type of desire, the context of the moment is critical to your openness to the idea of sex. If you’re tired, preoccupied with a work project or a troubled family member, stressed, or feeling blah, interest in sex is going to be hard to come by. These are not just factors affecting your interest in sex; they are central. There’s nothing wrong with you for not being interested. You just need a change in context.
A common experience for responsive people is that desire shows up after arousal. This is normal. It’s just not advertised. What this means is that you have to change the question from, “Am I feeling frisky?” to “Am I open to engaging in touch?” With physical touch, arousal may well show up, followed by, “Oh, now I feel very glad to be here, doing this!”
Most people don’t even know responsive sexual desire exists—even the very people whose desire works like this. I was once describing responsive sexual desire to my husband, and he said, “That’s interesting. That’s not what you see in the movies.” Exactly. The media, a major provider of sex education, only depicts spontaneous sexual desire.
As it turns out, spontaneous people often find themselves in relationships with responsive people. I’ve found this often to be true in same-gender couples as well. So these groups need to get to know each other.
When I explain responsive desire to Ben, his jaw drops and doesn’t close for a while. Whereas Sara is nodding vigorously, “That’s me. That’s me—I’ve just never known how to explain it.” Likewise, when I explain that Ben likely walks down the street with every sixth thought being a sexual one, her eyes pop out of her head.